YUCK

Today is just one of those days when I want to talk about everything I hate! Like everyone wanting a piece of me! Guilt trips. Power struggles. People not saying what they mean. People wanting credit for whatever it is b/c they feel some sort of entitlement, like "i saw it first" kind of people. Unfair people. People who don't say what they mean...... sigh, I already said that..... the list could go on and on and on.
Nothing is really even wrong with me and I wonder if I am the worst person in the entire world, b/c I just don't like things....
everyone else is sweet and thinks happy thoughts... and today I'm just not.
I bet that is ok.
One thing I know, today anyway, I'm going to try and pray it all away...

Letting go already

It is such a hard thing to let go of the sin I have been clinging to. The sin that comforts me and tells me I am in the right. So unsatisfying. To just give it all away and give it to Jesus to carry for me. Giving it up and being who I should be without getting my revenge, without letting anyone know they wronged me. Letting them go on in merry existence without "paying" for it. Giving it away to God sounds so nice and looks good in the Bible. But getting rid of that emotional weight which actually weighs nothing is hard to lift and give. It's easier to be weighted down, then let it go and soar like a helium balloon. But, that's what my God has asked of me. I can't be who He called me to be if I let the heavy sin keep me down. He never lets us take the easy road. It's for the betterment of ourselves, I know. It's hard to express how painful I find it to just give up and give it to God. This growing process, this being like Jesus process, it's not a walk in the park, but someday, I will walk in the park with HIM.

Offical sponser of Birthdays

OK, have you seen the commercial that states that the American Cancer Society is the Official Sponsor of Birthdays? Well, no offense to them, but really, my husband is the Official Sponsor of Birthdays...
The other day we were eating lunch and Michael was telling the girls he had to go to work and Ethne asked. "Why do you have to go to work." Michael was in the middle of saying that it was b/c we needed money when Ethne interrupted, "For Abijah's birthday?" Then she asked if he also goes to work for Sol's birthday, and then she named every member of our family. I think it's pretty cute how her mind works. Daddy just goes to work for birthdays, for every body's birthdays, that's all.

A little lesson I'm learning

I am having a lot of trouble with forgiveness lately. Not sure what to do with what I've got. I want to say I am forgiving and most times, people need forgiveness and I say, it's already forgiven. Done. But I have been really carrying something around, for the better part of a year. I do not want to let go of it. Plain and simple. I want to hold on to it, and be mad about it. It feels better. In Bible class maybe a month ago, it was discussed how you can handle the situation correctly, just as God wants you to, and it still not feel better to you. I totally identify, b/c it is unsatisfying. Giving in, and forgiving, and letting go is no fun. Accepting what happened and moving on is not nearly as satisfying as sitting there and stewing over it, and using it as a weapon whenever possible. Holding onto what hurts me is so easy. Letting go is near to impossible for me. I didn't used to be this way. This anger and hurt that I am holding onto is a new feeling for me. I could justify it by saying that I have never been hurt this way. True as that may be, it's not an excuse. I know all the rules, and the reasons for them. Forgive 70 times seven. Jesus forgave me for everything I have ever done, or will do. I am so thankful for that, so wouldn't I in turn want to forgive as often as I can to show my Lord I am grateful for His grace? I should.... But it's not an actual act that I can do, it's a changing of my heart. I'm not ready for it. I feel like Paul b/c I want to do what I ought to do, but I don't want to do it! That confusing verse makes sense now. This bitterness I am letting grow inside of me is spilling over and growing, moving into areas that it shouldn't have spread to. That's what happens when you ignore what God asks of you. This ickyness grows, makes a blackness in the heart. I am currently praying to God to help me cleanse my heart, I need his help so badly. At this point I know I can't do it alone, and know that I never really could.