Sorry, No Spongebob

I do not allow my children to watch Spongebob Squarepants. I've looked at it, and decided that it's not for us. This past weekend, my cousins, four of them, ranging in age from five to ten, were in town and they discussed Spongebob multiple times and at length. My oldest just sat with wide eyes. I thought for sure she would make some sort of comment about how we don't watch it. She did ask later why the cousins would watch something bad. I explained, just because something isn't right for us doesn't mean it's wrong for everyone else. I feel I needed to tell that background before I went into what this post is actually about. Ethne is the type that obsesses over things. If there is any sort of emotion coming from Michael or me when we tell her something, that emotion is multiplied in her mind. So we can say something has "bad" stuff in it b/c we had used the word inappropriate, and she asked what it meant, then she lets that go in her mind and Spongebob is next to the devil, ok? You need to know that, too. She feels things intensely, and entirely, and she is a deeply honest creature that strives for what is good. I think this is one of those traits that a person is just born with, as opposed to something taught. I believe this simply because my second child is a sneaky stinker, always looking to get away with something.
So let's get to the point. We were having a family meal and CiCi's and innocently chose a booth where Ethne could see the tv quite clearly. On the tv was a show the kids don't often watch, but we have no problem with. The meal progressed nicely, the kids were actually well behaved. But then, the show that was on ended, and with it the "younger" children's programming. To start off the more mature programming was none other than Spongebob, or the devil, as Ethne has come to think of him. "Spongebob" Ethne choked out in a whispery voice. Like Freddy Krueger had walked into the building. Michael and I were very casual about it, reassuring her it was just fine. She was visibly upset, her face started turning red, her eyes moist, her breathing shallow. She was trying so very hard not to look at the screen. We told her it was ok if she saw some of it, she would not be in trouble. She was not convinced, she was looking for some way to make this ok in her mind. Finally she said, that she couldn't hear it and so it was ok. Michael and I jumped on that, saying yes, of course, it would all be ok. For a while she just stared at the screen, a look of uncertainty on her face, she asked why CiCi's would leave it on. This was a very good oppurtunity to explain to her about the world, and how we can be in the world and accept their practices without making them our own. I decided to leave that conversation for later in the day and Michael told her that we make decisions that are good for us and our home but not everyone else makes those decisions and then he further saved the day by taking the kids to the little arcade area.
Seeing my daughter so upset, by the inability to "be good" touched me. I had gotten tears in my eyes as she struggled with the a definite no-no staring her right in the face. she wanted with all her might to avoid it and felt powerless. She searched her mind for excuses to make it ok somehow. I wanted to make her feel that everything was ok, and still let her know how proud we were of her that she was indeed right for thinking what she was thinking. Still, she looked like she was suffering, and I wanted very much to stop it. But I don't think that pain was mine to assuage. She is just three, nearly four, but I believe that she and Lord have a relationship. And I liken it to a relationship, with "goodness". She had chosen goodness over evil. (And I am not saying Spongebob is evil, but that's how she views it) And that choice is bound to bring about feelings of some nature, pain along with the joy, because it does take sacrifice, which is meant to sting a bit. I believe my place in all of that as her mommy was and is to reassure her that I stand be her choices. Show her I am proud of her choices and the sweet girl she in turning into. Let her know I like the person she is deciding to be. I do not believe I should make it seem as if being on "the good side" is easy street. I do not think I should shelter her from ever feeling discomfort, even though she made the right choice. And I'm not sure that I even could if I felt it my duty to take away the hurt. For those of us that have allowed Jesus to rule our life, we know the sting, the pinch, sometimes more like a stab that can occur, but Jesus and only Jesus comes in and is the salve for that, and it's a comfort not even a mommy can match. I have to let go of my kids, and trust that Jesus will do what he promised. HE is going to reward her for her goodness of heart. I believe that.

Don't give up

I am at the stage with my kids where I just want to quit! Not quit my kids, but quit trying so hard to parent them. To sit by and let them have their way. That would be so easy. This is the most important stage of parenthood. I will rise to this challenge. Quitting at this stage would be detrimental for my kids. Quitting would mean letting my kids win. And I know that parenting isn't actually a battle, but it sure feels like one. So quitting on my job just tells my kids they've won, and they have also quite possibly won every battle from here on out. Quitting shows my kids my breaking point, my one year old can recognize it. And they'll remember it and use that information for the future. And it won't take as long the next time as the previous time. I'll remember too how easy it was to just let go, give them what they want. Sit back and watch the madness unfold. It is madness to give into those little cherubs, I promise. They are so cute, so precious and know how to push all my buttons. But giving in and giving them what they want, or deciding not to make them do what I say, is actually hurting them. As a parent it's my job to guide my kids, and each of thse little battles is an important step in guiding them. Each one takes them further down the path of respecting elders, self respect, and independence. I remind myself of this whenever I feel like I can't do it. And sometimes I feel like that, but they depend on me to show them how to be mature, well rounded, capable adults, even if they don't know it yet and fight me tooth and nail against it.

YUCK

Today is just one of those days when I want to talk about everything I hate! Like everyone wanting a piece of me! Guilt trips. Power struggles. People not saying what they mean. People wanting credit for whatever it is b/c they feel some sort of entitlement, like "i saw it first" kind of people. Unfair people. People who don't say what they mean...... sigh, I already said that..... the list could go on and on and on.
Nothing is really even wrong with me and I wonder if I am the worst person in the entire world, b/c I just don't like things....
everyone else is sweet and thinks happy thoughts... and today I'm just not.
I bet that is ok.
One thing I know, today anyway, I'm going to try and pray it all away...

Letting go already

It is such a hard thing to let go of the sin I have been clinging to. The sin that comforts me and tells me I am in the right. So unsatisfying. To just give it all away and give it to Jesus to carry for me. Giving it up and being who I should be without getting my revenge, without letting anyone know they wronged me. Letting them go on in merry existence without "paying" for it. Giving it away to God sounds so nice and looks good in the Bible. But getting rid of that emotional weight which actually weighs nothing is hard to lift and give. It's easier to be weighted down, then let it go and soar like a helium balloon. But, that's what my God has asked of me. I can't be who He called me to be if I let the heavy sin keep me down. He never lets us take the easy road. It's for the betterment of ourselves, I know. It's hard to express how painful I find it to just give up and give it to God. This growing process, this being like Jesus process, it's not a walk in the park, but someday, I will walk in the park with HIM.

Offical sponser of Birthdays

OK, have you seen the commercial that states that the American Cancer Society is the Official Sponsor of Birthdays? Well, no offense to them, but really, my husband is the Official Sponsor of Birthdays...
The other day we were eating lunch and Michael was telling the girls he had to go to work and Ethne asked. "Why do you have to go to work." Michael was in the middle of saying that it was b/c we needed money when Ethne interrupted, "For Abijah's birthday?" Then she asked if he also goes to work for Sol's birthday, and then she named every member of our family. I think it's pretty cute how her mind works. Daddy just goes to work for birthdays, for every body's birthdays, that's all.

A little lesson I'm learning

I am having a lot of trouble with forgiveness lately. Not sure what to do with what I've got. I want to say I am forgiving and most times, people need forgiveness and I say, it's already forgiven. Done. But I have been really carrying something around, for the better part of a year. I do not want to let go of it. Plain and simple. I want to hold on to it, and be mad about it. It feels better. In Bible class maybe a month ago, it was discussed how you can handle the situation correctly, just as God wants you to, and it still not feel better to you. I totally identify, b/c it is unsatisfying. Giving in, and forgiving, and letting go is no fun. Accepting what happened and moving on is not nearly as satisfying as sitting there and stewing over it, and using it as a weapon whenever possible. Holding onto what hurts me is so easy. Letting go is near to impossible for me. I didn't used to be this way. This anger and hurt that I am holding onto is a new feeling for me. I could justify it by saying that I have never been hurt this way. True as that may be, it's not an excuse. I know all the rules, and the reasons for them. Forgive 70 times seven. Jesus forgave me for everything I have ever done, or will do. I am so thankful for that, so wouldn't I in turn want to forgive as often as I can to show my Lord I am grateful for His grace? I should.... But it's not an actual act that I can do, it's a changing of my heart. I'm not ready for it. I feel like Paul b/c I want to do what I ought to do, but I don't want to do it! That confusing verse makes sense now. This bitterness I am letting grow inside of me is spilling over and growing, moving into areas that it shouldn't have spread to. That's what happens when you ignore what God asks of you. This ickyness grows, makes a blackness in the heart. I am currently praying to God to help me cleanse my heart, I need his help so badly. At this point I know I can't do it alone, and know that I never really could.

We took Ethne to the movies last night for the first time. It was a lot of fun. As we walked into the theater she noticed all the colorful booster seats stacked up, and said "Wow, look" not even know what they were. It was cute! We got her a blue one of course! We got seated in a row with handrails in front of it and Ethne practiced her gymnastics while we waited for the movie to begin. We let her be very wild and loud until the movie started to get the sillies out. And of course I took her to the bathroom, and on the way there we got a handful of popcorn thrown at us! I told the giggling girls that threw it that I didn't think it was very funny, that shut them up! We only made four trips to the bathroom after that first one, during one of which a nice girl got Ethne a paper towel to dry her hands, and simultaneously restored my faith in humanity.
Ethne laughed out loud and seemed to really enjoy the previews so Michael and I exchanged proud glances that we had made a good choice to bring her to the movies at this age. Then the Harry Potter trailer came on. She has never really been afraid of stuff, but I think the hugeness of the screen and the loudness made it a bit intense for her, she didn't cry or anything just covered her eyes. The movie we chose proved to me a little too intense on the big screen too after all, and she seemed to get wary of sitting in one spot for so long, especially with that great handrail begging for her to swing on it. All in all she did fine, but if you'll ask her she tell you she didn't like it. I think that's just b/c we had to reprimand her some and eventually had to cut her off from the pop b/c I was tired of getting up and taking her to the bathroom.
Even though we got popcorn thrown at us, and Ethne got restless it was a really great night. It was fun to watch her experience something new, and ooh and aah over booster seats, and bathroom stalls. Hearing her laugh out loud, and seeing the screen reflected in her eyes is a memory I will treasure always.