Sunday, February 28, 2010

That's what friends are for?

It just hit me this evening. I don't have a friend. A certain type of friend. That type that you would turn to, talk to in sad or desperate times, or the one you would call if you got really exciting news. This friend thing has been on my mind a lot lately ever since I chaperoned a teen girls lock-in and maybe even a little bit before that. At that lock-in I saw girls be kind to one another. I saw girls that had never met before become instant friends and share special moments, and help eachother out. I was never like that when I was a teenager. Oh how I wish now that I had valued female friendship from girls my own age. This is not to say I didn't have chic friends and that we didn't have deep heart to heart talks, I've experienced a little of that, but for the most part, my teenage years I was a space cadet. And so selfish. I would talk to anyone and everyone, but never get real close. And I remember having close friends but realize now that they weren't actually that close. I am reminded of a time, when my father questioned how I could say someone was my best friend and yet I had never been to watch her team play. I didn't care much for sports and would probably have to sit by myself. Selfish. So what right? And it's not like my friend ever begged me to go, but really as a friend I should have been more thoughtful. I have always thought that girls were mean, conniving, boy crazy, and silly, and not good friends. All things I had expereinced from female friends, all things I have been guilty of. Boy crazy being at the top of the list. Dumb! I sure wish I wouldn't have been so boy crazy and I desperately wish I would never have let a boy come between me and a friend. So many regrets. ..... Still, I'm not sure that I regret not having a real, close, girlfriend, that I share everything with. That has always been Michael for me, very soon after I met him. And that's what a husband should be. I'm sure of that. But I do wonder what it would be like to have that type of female friend. The thing that sparked this realization for me was a convo between two girls on facebook about how they needed eachother, and to share things with eachother. I would never do that, not really. I don't really miss anyone and want to catch up with them so badly. I must be so self involved.
I talk to my mother, I talk to my husband, I talk to my God, I sometimes share intimate feelings or thoughts with people, I like to encourage others... but I don't have what I read tonight, I never had what I saw at that teen girls' lock-in.
And my sister, my goodness, she has tons of female friends, she hangs out with a lot of different girls, and is always telling me about one or the other of them. She is 14 and thriving socially. As a teenager I never hung out with that many different people, and if I had a friend that was somewhat close, it was that friend I wanted to be with. I did not branch out. Don't know why. ....
Right now, my husband and I are working on "couple friends" he is a much more social person than I am and this means a lot to him, and admittedly, I enjoy it, it's nice to have a good time and spend time with people who are going through the same stage of life as we are. Still, these are surface relationships, nothing too in depth, just general fun, and encouragement, fellowship, and even that takes a lot of work. But I am learning that it is worth it to invest in these friendships and keep them up and put self aside for them.
As I said before I'm not sure that I am missing out on anything not having that "friend" or those "friends" to share with and care for. Maybe it's not in my nature. But I do realize there's a piece of the human experience that I only view from the outside. I wonder about it, question what it's like and concede that I would not be very good at it.