YUCK

Today is just one of those days when I want to talk about everything I hate! Like everyone wanting a piece of me! Guilt trips. Power struggles. People not saying what they mean. People wanting credit for whatever it is b/c they feel some sort of entitlement, like "i saw it first" kind of people. Unfair people. People who don't say what they mean...... sigh, I already said that..... the list could go on and on and on.
Nothing is really even wrong with me and I wonder if I am the worst person in the entire world, b/c I just don't like things....
everyone else is sweet and thinks happy thoughts... and today I'm just not.
I bet that is ok.
One thing I know, today anyway, I'm going to try and pray it all away...

Letting go already

It is such a hard thing to let go of the sin I have been clinging to. The sin that comforts me and tells me I am in the right. So unsatisfying. To just give it all away and give it to Jesus to carry for me. Giving it up and being who I should be without getting my revenge, without letting anyone know they wronged me. Letting them go on in merry existence without "paying" for it. Giving it away to God sounds so nice and looks good in the Bible. But getting rid of that emotional weight which actually weighs nothing is hard to lift and give. It's easier to be weighted down, then let it go and soar like a helium balloon. But, that's what my God has asked of me. I can't be who He called me to be if I let the heavy sin keep me down. He never lets us take the easy road. It's for the betterment of ourselves, I know. It's hard to express how painful I find it to just give up and give it to God. This growing process, this being like Jesus process, it's not a walk in the park, but someday, I will walk in the park with HIM.

Offical sponser of Birthdays

OK, have you seen the commercial that states that the American Cancer Society is the Official Sponsor of Birthdays? Well, no offense to them, but really, my husband is the Official Sponsor of Birthdays...
The other day we were eating lunch and Michael was telling the girls he had to go to work and Ethne asked. "Why do you have to go to work." Michael was in the middle of saying that it was b/c we needed money when Ethne interrupted, "For Abijah's birthday?" Then she asked if he also goes to work for Sol's birthday, and then she named every member of our family. I think it's pretty cute how her mind works. Daddy just goes to work for birthdays, for every body's birthdays, that's all.

A little lesson I'm learning

I am having a lot of trouble with forgiveness lately. Not sure what to do with what I've got. I want to say I am forgiving and most times, people need forgiveness and I say, it's already forgiven. Done. But I have been really carrying something around, for the better part of a year. I do not want to let go of it. Plain and simple. I want to hold on to it, and be mad about it. It feels better. In Bible class maybe a month ago, it was discussed how you can handle the situation correctly, just as God wants you to, and it still not feel better to you. I totally identify, b/c it is unsatisfying. Giving in, and forgiving, and letting go is no fun. Accepting what happened and moving on is not nearly as satisfying as sitting there and stewing over it, and using it as a weapon whenever possible. Holding onto what hurts me is so easy. Letting go is near to impossible for me. I didn't used to be this way. This anger and hurt that I am holding onto is a new feeling for me. I could justify it by saying that I have never been hurt this way. True as that may be, it's not an excuse. I know all the rules, and the reasons for them. Forgive 70 times seven. Jesus forgave me for everything I have ever done, or will do. I am so thankful for that, so wouldn't I in turn want to forgive as often as I can to show my Lord I am grateful for His grace? I should.... But it's not an actual act that I can do, it's a changing of my heart. I'm not ready for it. I feel like Paul b/c I want to do what I ought to do, but I don't want to do it! That confusing verse makes sense now. This bitterness I am letting grow inside of me is spilling over and growing, moving into areas that it shouldn't have spread to. That's what happens when you ignore what God asks of you. This ickyness grows, makes a blackness in the heart. I am currently praying to God to help me cleanse my heart, I need his help so badly. At this point I know I can't do it alone, and know that I never really could.

We took Ethne to the movies last night for the first time. It was a lot of fun. As we walked into the theater she noticed all the colorful booster seats stacked up, and said "Wow, look" not even know what they were. It was cute! We got her a blue one of course! We got seated in a row with handrails in front of it and Ethne practiced her gymnastics while we waited for the movie to begin. We let her be very wild and loud until the movie started to get the sillies out. And of course I took her to the bathroom, and on the way there we got a handful of popcorn thrown at us! I told the giggling girls that threw it that I didn't think it was very funny, that shut them up! We only made four trips to the bathroom after that first one, during one of which a nice girl got Ethne a paper towel to dry her hands, and simultaneously restored my faith in humanity.
Ethne laughed out loud and seemed to really enjoy the previews so Michael and I exchanged proud glances that we had made a good choice to bring her to the movies at this age. Then the Harry Potter trailer came on. She has never really been afraid of stuff, but I think the hugeness of the screen and the loudness made it a bit intense for her, she didn't cry or anything just covered her eyes. The movie we chose proved to me a little too intense on the big screen too after all, and she seemed to get wary of sitting in one spot for so long, especially with that great handrail begging for her to swing on it. All in all she did fine, but if you'll ask her she tell you she didn't like it. I think that's just b/c we had to reprimand her some and eventually had to cut her off from the pop b/c I was tired of getting up and taking her to the bathroom.
Even though we got popcorn thrown at us, and Ethne got restless it was a really great night. It was fun to watch her experience something new, and ooh and aah over booster seats, and bathroom stalls. Hearing her laugh out loud, and seeing the screen reflected in her eyes is a memory I will treasure always.

Remodeling

I have been thinking and rethinking things in life... There are things I am going to make conscious effort to change, there are other things that change without my consent, without ne even being aware that they changed.
I compare my life for the last three years to a tornado. All my growing up life, wishing and waiting for the day when I will have a husband, family and home. Now, quicker than I had ever daydreamed, I'm there. I'm so there. It's actually surreal. Sometimes I do not believe it.
Pregnant in a confusing time of life, I didn't know which way was up, I felt all over the place, and was battling depression. God used that little life to set my feet back on the ground. But they didn't stay on the ground for long. I have been changing diapers ever since, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I get a little time to sit and think nowadays, and all I seem to think about it how The Father has blessed me, and how I am a person unrecognizable from what I once was, and how fast, and unnoticably things change.
I ponder things all the time, and I should take the time to mark them down on this blog so that it doesn't all end up a jumble like now. I am quickly forgetting why I initially sat down to write.
Some things have particularly stood out to me in the last few days. I'm not the girl I was even a year ago. I realized this while eating a piece of edible Easter grass off the floor..... A year ago I had used the stuff for the girls' Easter baskets and swore I would never use it again. Too much of a mess, and unbelievable mess. Yet, as I walked down the Easter aisle at ol' Wally World, into the basket it went. I hate messes, the messiness of my house astounds and bugs me to no end. A year ago the stress of it drove me to tears, missed sleep, and swearing... Now, I buy the edible Easter grass without blinking. I still cringe at the mess it makes, but I accept it and move on. I have no idea when it became ok with me to let the mess sit for more important things. Just another change that I feel I was powerless against. I'm aware of the fact that someday the house will be clean, the scrapbooks will be up to date and I will be reading my Bible often and also keeping up with a reading list. And those days I will miss other changes, like the fact that my kids will not be begging me to run around the dishwasher with them, or play bad guys in jail. They won't be asking me to kiss their ouchies, get them a cup of juice. It's not even a fair trade actually, and when I think about that, the mess isn't so icky anymore, but beautiful.
I have also experienced vocabulary changes. I like big words and to be well read. I enjoy crosswords and the dictionary, I love learning new words and trying them out. Another frivolous thing I will have too much time for too soon. I have traded all that in for such exciting words as: no no, ouchie, beep beep, bop, sleepytime, bathtime, time out, paddle, kiss, love, hug, ... All of those words I am a better person for using everyday. Still, it gets maddening when I take a little time and think over the sentence I just used; "It didn't get poopoo on it b/c it was in the washer from when you got peepee on it." Seriously? Yes. And there are tons more like it. Someday I will discuss scripture and C.S. Lewis while drinking white wine and wearing crisp, clean, new, possible even white clothing. But for now, I talk about Wubbzy, bogies, tangles, nightmares, and Jesus while wearing spit on, peed on, sweat in, clothing that is older than my kids, and in colors not so flattering as they are good at concealing dirt and aforementioned liquids. And that trade doesn't seem fair either......

You just got to tell a grandma

Today was Slade's fourth birthday party! It was a wild and crazy fun time at McDonald's. Before the lunch and cake there weren't many kids there so the "party kids" pretty much had the run of the playground. While Slade's guests were filling up on yummy Happy Meals and cake, the saturday afternoon lunchers were piling in, bringing children of all ages. I guess the tension I was feeling b/c of this was outwardly visible, b/c many people asked me what the matter is. I've never been able to hide my feelings.

After Slade had his fill, he got to open a ton of presents, it was so fun to watch, yet every child, including Slade was ready to head back to the play place, and that they did once the unwrapping ended. And my oh my! It was a jungle out there, and I'm pretty sure I'm not exactly built to deal with that. But I let my oldest run along into the world children to make her own way. Still visibly tense, but oh so relieved to see that all my middle child wanted to do was hang around her daddy and play where only the tiny tots are supposed to, and my very youngest we nestled very comfy, on one hos his cousin's shoulder. Ok, I was going to take a deep breath and try to relax, when Thing 1 approached, eyes full of tears, yet not quite crying. "They won't let me go down the slide" she said to me. My heart broke. I felt very much like I was in middle school and mean girls were giving me the stink eye. You never really get to leave those feelings behind. But I'm a mom, and Thing 1 depends on me to tell her the answer to this problem. After discerning what kind of person is telling her she cannot go down the slide, I said, "You just tell him, 'Yes I am going down the slide, MOVE!'" I don't know for sure if this is right, but I don't want my little girl to get pushed around, and I didn't tell her to deck him which I very much wanted to do. So, I sent the little thing back into to jungle, and my heart broke a little more. I then eyed the slide looking for her, I saw several kids I knew, coming down, but oddly enough they were all boys, however little. So I was wising up. Whoever the bully was,was gender profiling. Then I saw my little girl come out the entrance about lost it. Just going off telling everyone who asked exactly what my problem was, "There's a boy in there who won't let Ethne down the slide". And the other mothers seemed upset by it, but in a calm,rational way. So I was wondering what was wrong with me a little bit, but mostly I didn't care, I was just plain mad. I could see several kids in the pipes of the play area who really seemed too old to be there. I'm all for older kids having fun and hanging out, I'm just not sure it's should be in the play area of McDonald's. It they want to sit and chat, there are perfectly good tables and even the floor. They don't need to be congesting the area where my little one, and other little ones want to crawl, play and explore. I am so proud of the older kids from Slade's party who were chilling out together very comfortably at a table. I must remember to thank them for that.

I told Thing 1 it was time to go, but she didn't want to leave without sliding, and I couldn't blame her. That's the whole point right? The awesome slide at the end of the adventure throught the pipes. So I just told her to try again and push the bully out of the way.

Then I noticed another little girl with tears in her eyes telling a woman she couldn't go down the slide. The woman said, "Just say excuse me". I had to pipe up. "I don't think that is going to work, I've sent my daughter up there several times and they won't let her through either." "That's just senseless" she said and removed her shoes and headed in, my daughter and the other little girl in tow. And a quick minute later, Thing 1 came whizzing down the slide with her new comrade right behind her. Then out out came the hero of the day, " Turns out," she informed, "there are a couple big boys up there blocking two of the pipes, not letting little girls through, they said to me, 'I didn't know parents could come in here', I said, 'well, sometimes they have to when there are means boy in here being mean to the little girls, I didn't tell them I was a grandma!"
So, maybe next time my little girls is struggling in the world of little men, I will be brave enough to climb into the jungle and help her though a bit, or find a grandma......

Jelly and mayo

Is it completely disgusting that my three year old asks for ham & cheese and mayo sandwiches with jelly on it? Or even more disgusting that I totally make them for her at all hours of the day? Thing 1 is not the biggest eater, so if there is something that she likes, she pretty much gets it. I could never ever be accused of indulging my children, and I assume as my kids get older I'll be known as one of the stricter mommies, but this is a sandwich we are talking about. It all just makes me smile, my kids, my role as a mother. I take so much joy in her simple request, and I would never think of saying "no" b/c it's weird, or not the norm. I don't want to be in danger of limiting my children, b/c, "people just don't mix jelly and mayo, alright dear?" I totally believe that parents can train their children in the way of the Master, and still foster free expression, and choices. I'm, of course, still figuring this mommy thing out, but I'm pretty sure about a few things. Choices are tip top important, and a parent's job is to help their children make the right ones, then when it comes to sandwiches, let that kids have some fun!

We can pray, and pray, and beg, and completely believe that God will take care of the situation, then sit and wait. I know all the stuff we need, I knew we were stagnant and and that some change would come. But then the change hits, it's just the answer to the prayer we've been praying. And I buck at it, I don't want it, this is not the way I wanted the change to come, not the way that I wanted things to get fixed.
My attitude the past couple of days in reaction to the change has been horrible. I feel pretty bad about it now, b/c who am I to act that way when God did the very thing I asked for? It's not the way I would have liked, it's going to take some getting used to, but here it is. My job is to accept God's will graciously and gratefully, and to continue on with the life I have given to Him. I can't just stop and be sour b/c of the bumpy ride. I've got four people that depend on me to be a shining example of Jesus everyday, and to show them that no matter what rolls our way, we can realize it's God's good and perfect will and He means us to shine in the situation.

I thought this blog was going to be about my family life, and all that God has blessed me with concerning them. But, my first post was about God's affirmation that He listens, I just had to tell about it. And now my post for today is kind of along those lines....
This morning I was checking the old facebook and was changing my status, Ashlee Dawn Priest is.... I usually try to come up with (what I think might be) clever stati. Um yeah I'm going with stati, as the plural of status. So this morning I was getting ready for church, which most of my life I have not liked to call church. That word just has some conotations to it. And I don't "go to" church, I am the church, we are the church. I learned this from my dad, who is wise, like King Solomon, so it's true. I wrote my status in as, Ashlee is going to assemble. You know instead of going to church. But then I got this tinge, that maybe people would think I was weird if I posted that. (if you could believe I cared what others think). So I decided against it. That was the wrong decision. Usually when you change your mind b/c of what others might think, it's the wrong decision, usually. Not wrong in the sense that anyone is going to get hurt b/c I didn't follow thru with my original plan, but wrong b/c someone could have been blessed. See, this morning, during the assembly, where the preacher told us about God's word, Carl actually said, "I wish we could get away from that word, "church" we are the church, but we are here to assemble." I could say I was surprised he said that, but I wasn't. God is just like that, and I have been reminded of that time and time again. Small and insignificant as this may all sound, it spoke volumes to me. God is in EVERY aspect of our lives, he wants to be in, and controls everything. Even our facebook stati. I love knowing that, it's such a peaceful revelation, it's just good to know. How many ways can I say the same thing? It calms me to be aware of that, it's fulfills me to ...oh, I ran out. It touched me so much I had to type it down, to be forever published in cyberspace. I learned that going along with what I think "everyone" would approve of, can sometimes hinder my ability to be used by God. But even if I am not a willing tool for Him, He will still get His message across. As he did today.
Then during Bible class, my sage of a father, spoke about our human perspectives of time. It was wow and another blog entirely, but to sum up, it just was just a reminder that this world is fleeting, and there is eternity to think about. Let's think of the lost in terms of eternity, that sort of thing. Amazing.

Saturday I started praying, intensely. God and I had a long conversation, lasting most the day. He mostly listened. I mostly asked for Him to change my heart to something sweet. I asked Him other things that I would be embarrassed to tell anyone. Sunday the lesson was God talking back to me, through our youth minister, who gave an amazing lesson. Most if the time I can't really pay attention to much of what is going on at church, but this particular Sunday my mom was attending nursery and took Thing 2 with her, Thing 1 was in Bible Hour and Thing 3 was sleeping. God had a plan for me to hear what he wanted me to hear. I liked most of what I heard and actually had a hard time digesting other stuff I heard. But He meant me to hear it all just the same. And to listen and absorb, I was a plant being pruned, and it hurt. It is still a little too painful to talk about the change my heart is going through for the better, and if I never share it with anyone but my Father, I'm ok with that. My personal experience isn't so much important as the fact that I had an experience, and am renewed. I have the tools now to be better than I was. I'm so excited to be, a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, in-law, friend, and child of God.